A TRASH?

assalamualaikum.
its been a while. I never thought my life would change this much. I realized how fragile I am atm. I realized how useless I am in everything I did. me went to classes without getting anything. I understand nothing like my memory and my capability to understand something is at 0.0 point or even lower. i got so stressed. Everything f u. Trembled sometimes, not being able to speak properly when im getting nervous or scared. The feeling is unbearable. This is not my place. How can I stay in such awkward place. Awkward lecturers, awkward classes, awkward friends. I think I have no friends. Maybe 1 only. I hate numbers, theories etc. Trying to understand every single thing is so hard. No one to ask because everyone is struggling and the awkwardness blocked everything. Well there is this one lecturer who is very nice. Thank you sensei. I would always remember u even later im no longer here. I wish to go home but I will hate myself evenmore if I stopped at the middle without struggling till the end. But I no longer think I can stand the pressure. Am i too lazy? or is everything too hard? Too many problems around. Being scolded when i did not pick up the phone call is so pain. I was sleeping. Is it a crime to sleep? cant I sleep? Im tired of everything. Too many things to think. Life is no more something enjoyable. Trying to do everything alone but I know I cannot. My existance troubled everyone. Theres nothing I can do alone. Im such a trash. I tried to mix around with people but i felt so sad. Sometimes I laughed but none of them came from my heart. I felt such a great sadness inside. How low I am in everything. In study, in social life, in everything tbh.